Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dicks are not precious.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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