It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
