I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize