I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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