based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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