i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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