I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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