I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
