It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
