That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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