Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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