Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
