I am in a vortex of obligation.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
