My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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