the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
