I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
this hospital has no fireball
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
