He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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