A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
