I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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