i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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