____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
