opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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