I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
