Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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