i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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