you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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