Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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