The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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