note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
