This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You can't special order awesome
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
