I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Still dying that you shit outside
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Come share oat with me in your robe
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