I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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