she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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