You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
