Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
