I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Its about making memories worth repressing
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
