So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
