remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize