She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize