They should really pass out barf bags in church
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
