Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
