Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
