I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
