So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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