I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
