I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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