I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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