I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
