My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
