Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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