i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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