My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
