So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
