You smell like a Billy Joel song
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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