I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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