Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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