1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize