I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
