Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
