I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
