every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
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