So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
