Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
