Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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