i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
